Sobriety didn’t change who I am — it cleared the way for me to finally meet him.
I spent years running from myself. Sobriety taught me how to finally catch up.
The Person I Never Let Out
Inhabiting a sober mind is the best way to find yourself. There’s nothing calling out to be anything you aren’t trying to be. In times past, I would find myself searching for who I was meant to be. As if there was another person underneath the surface that was begging to get out, that couldn’t find a path forward.
Now, now that I’m sober, reading, writing, exercising my mind, I’m practicing so much more than ever before. I’m practicing to be someone. To have something — not something weak and momentary — something lasting.
Practice Made Me Real
When I get going writing I can really start to see where the inspiration flows from. This person, however, had been lost and hiding behind alcohol for such a long time that there was no opportunity for him to come out.
Now that I’m “out” I feel more whole. I feel more myself. I feel like I can do anything again. This time, however, I’m not manic. I just have so much more time and energy on my hands to move through life with. It’s with this time and energy I can continue to find my voice — to be my own companion. To build tools for myself and write for myself and give to myself.
A Voice That Deserves a Stage
Journaling and practicing how to write has been a very humbling experience. I now have a book out there in the world that spawned from a practice and place of heart and soul.
This practice of utilizing my words, knowledge, experience and dedication to create something that I can share with the world is incredible.
I keep playing over in my head that I’m some kind of imposter — that I shouldn’t have the “right” to do this. It’s my self-doubt running alongside me and riding shotgun to my destiny and desires.
I also keep hearing Brené Brown telling me I should lead with my heart and be vulnerable and just keep putting myself out there.
Ultimately it will lead me to being more than I ever was or could’ve hoped to be by simply leading with my heart. Simply writing. Simply sharing. Simply existing and not feeling like I have to apologize for any bit of who I am or what I want to do.
Choosing What to Free
Are there thoughts, feelings, and writings that I want to remain my own? Surely. And I’ll keep them tucked away inside my Day One where they belong.
Some writing however, deserves to escape. Deserves to be set free.
Deserves a stage.
That’s how I feel about I Will Not Drink With You Today. It’s a creation of art on a stage called the Internet.
I love that it’s got a digital companion and that it is a book as well. It truly is the manifestation of something I’ve wanted to see as a reality for a long time. Whether it’s this bout with sobriety or in my previous times being so: I’m here now for it.
Showing Up Fully — No Apology
Publicly putting myself out there, as it were, has freed up my mind and self to be more authentic. To speak and show up for myself in a more true way. It’s allowing me the freedom — even now — to splat out some text on a page and be excited to share it with the world.
Before I would have agonized over every word. Every phrase.
“What will they think? Let them.”
Thanks Mel Robbins. That was an excellent recent read as well.
More Time, More Life
I guess what I’m saying here in this journal turned into inevitable blog post is:
I’m not afraid anymore.
I’m here coming from a place of practice now in my life. I’ve got 30+ days straight of meditation, journaling, reading, and showing up.
I’ve taken on greater responsibility at work, I’m spending more time living towards my mission statement and personal values, and I’m constantly brainstorming new ways to bring more value to my life and to the world.
And here I am, resting after recharging my batteries in Mexico for a few days, enjoying my final hours of free time before work picks back up and I return to leadership and expanding minds and capabilities.
How Abundance Happened
How did this all happen? How did I get here? How did I go from imminent destruction to overwhelming abundance?
I wish I could say something fancy and inspiring like: persistence. Or: discipline. Or maybe just: showing up.
But I think it’s a lot of things.
Just as I wrote that last sentence, my wife Ashley called.
A good and timely reminder that it’s a lot her too.
If you’re wondering where I’ve been the past five months — I was creating something I needed, and now I get to share it with you.
One day at a time. One page at a time.
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